“FREE PIZZA”

by 

Daniel Bagherpour

© 2017 Windword Writing LLC

 

INT. CABLE VEHICLE — DAY

Two cable guys, DAN and STEW arrive to a rundown estate for a service call. Scary music sets the tone.

EXT. THE DOCTOR’S ESTATE — AFTERNOON

The service men approach the house. Closeup of DAN’s face as he timidly looks over the property, he is frightened. STEW knocks on the front door. They wait for an unreasonable amount of time.

DAN 

Well, we tried.

Just as DAN says this, the door swings open, hinges screeching.

EUCALYPTUS, THE DOCTOR’s, son opens the door wearing a mask and rubber gloves, he gestures for them with a beckoning index finger to come inside. They stand in the entryway waiting to meet their client. 

EUCALYPTUS

Welcome to The Doctor’s lab.

You must be the pizza delivery boys!

STEW

No we’re um, the cable guys.

EUCALYPTUS

How disappointing, but you have such nice hats! Welcome!

INT. THE DOCTOR’S ESTATE — AFTERNOON

Shoes are heard stepping towards them from an echoey room.

THE DOCTOR is seen entering from a much larger room, steam flowing from behind him. He also wears a mask and rubber gloves, holding a bottle of liquid.

STEW

You want us to put on masks?

THE DOCTOR

No that’s alright. My son and I just wear them for our allergies.

DAN

I know how that is. I hate Eucalyptus.

THE DOCTOR

My son is named Eucalyptus.

DAN

Wait, what?

THE DOCTOR

My Son! Eucalyptus. 

That is his name, and you just said you hate him. Well I can’t say I care much for you either sir, insulting the customer on the first visit.

Now where is my pizza? Hand it over and out you go. I’m not tipping you for this!

STEW

I’m sorry, there must have been a miscommunication, we’re not the pizza guys, we’re here to install your cable modem.

THE DOCTOR

Are you sure?

Doorbell rings and a second later a yell for help is heard. Pizza is waiting at the entryway, with no pizza delivery boy.

EUCALYPTUS gets the door and both he and THE DOCTOR gaze at the pizza.

THE DOCTOR

(removing his mask to reveal his face)

So you are the Cable guys!

STEW

(Frightened)

Wait, where is the pizza guy?

THE DOCTOR

(taking a bite out of a slice of pizza)

Where indeed? 

Eucalyptus, deadbolt the door.

We shall show these gentlemen to the entertainment room. 

As they are leaving the room, both THE DOCTOR and EUCALYPTUS pull out pens and “accidentally” stab DAN and STEW with them.

THE DOCTOR

I’m terribly sorry; I just accidentally slipped and stabbed you with my pen!

Eucalyptus, did you slip and stab him with your pen too? 

What are the odds of that! 

And the pizza delivery boy ran off without being paid. 

Must be a Tuesday.

STEW and DAN laugh and smile nervously.

THE DOCTOR

Eucalyptus, apologize.

DAN

It’s ok. It was an accident. 

STEW

(suspecting something)

Yes it was. Mind if I borrow that pen Doctor? I need to sign off on some paperwork for the cable installations.

THE DOCTOR

Oh I’m sorry, we decided not to get cable anymore.

STEW

What do you mean? My partner and I drove all the way out here! To your creepy house, just to have you guys send us back?!

EUCALYPTUS walks towards them holding an empty flask. More steam is produced from somewhere in the room until the room looks cloudy.

THE DOCTOR

I’m afraid so. But it won’t be all that bad, you see, I’m sending you back with a pizza, which the two of you can share. Absolutely free. Free pizza. How about that?

The two cable workers already show the effects of some kind of air poisoning which has caused them to be more open to suggestion.

DAN

I don’t know, free pizza sounds pretty nice!

EUCALYPTUS

Yes, it’s pizza, and it’s free!

STEW

Alright! It’s a deal. You guys have a nice day, it’s been a pleasure working for you.

THE DOCTOR

The pleasure was ours.

DAN

Thanks for the pizza!

Ominous music begins to play as the two men enter their vehicle and drive off.

THE DOCTOR inserts both pens into a centrifuge. Mechanical noise is heard, as it whirrs. A few moments later, he draws back a curtain to reveal the upper bodies of two naked clones: clones of the service men.

Music rises.

EUCALYPTUS joins THE DOCTOR to gaze at the new clones. 

EUCALYPTUS

They’re perfect!

THE DOCTOR

Put them with the others.

Music climaxes.

EUCALYPTUS walks the clones down to a dark room where several people are standing with blank stares on their faces. All other clones have clothes, EUCALYPTUS hands the new clones each a shirt and pants.

FADE OUT.

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